It’s been a weird month.
That is actually quite an understatement.
Have you ever watched The Perfect Storm movie? I haven’t, more of a Twister girl myself, but what I gathered from previews it’s about the right mix of conditions to create this super storm. Which, in hindsight, seems like exactly what blew through my life recently.
This particular storm began on an inconspicuous weekend. It started with me being sad, for no particular reason, because that’s how depression works. The weekend stayed super, super dark. People were worried about me, I was worried about myself. I considered walking away from the business we’ve been working to build for almost a year. Just kind of giving up on everything, resigning myself to unhappiness rather than working my way out of it. But Monday came and the week started over. I wrote a blog post about where I was, mentally. Wednesday involved a soccer game and a heavy, emotional conversation I’d been avoiding for the better part of two years. It sucked. It sucked a lot. I put myself out completely and received the answer I knew was coming but hadn’t truly accepted until then. Thursday I was sitting at the studio waiting for NamasDrew to finish teaching so we could go to Third Thursday. One of the other teachers asked how I was doing, not willing to share the specifics of my emotional state I went with my default answer, “oh, good, just busy.” A throwaway half answer, not untrue but not completely honest. Most people would have simply affirmed or acknowledged and moved on. No big deal.
Kayla’s response was simple, straightforward, but it was something nobody had really said to me before, “well, make sure everything you’re doing is serving you.”
Don’t we just do the stuff we’re supposed to do? That’s how this whole life thing works. Right?? But this was something that sat with me.
The next day after I taught my class I stopped at the tattoo place that did my compass. To make two new additions to my body, a Deathly Hallows and an ellipsis. (I should probably explain those, I’ll get to it when they get their final buddy).
The day after that I spent the morning at Wanderlust, a mindful triathlon, I did a 5K leisurely stroll and caught up with Kassie, did a beautiful yoga class, a meditation, a miniflow with Namastamy, an Aerial class. And at some point that day I realized the life I was living was draining me, leaving me unfulfilled, sad, empty.
Still feeling the sting of heartache I had last minute booked a trip to New York for Memorial Day Weekend. I just needed space, to not be here in my daily grind. NYC may be insanely busy and densely populated but there are few places I’ve felt so much peace and clarity. Upon arriving one of the first things my gracious host said to me was, “you need to quit your job.” Um, again...WHAT? How do people keep dropping these bombs as casually as they’re saying, “it’s sunny today,” like it is the clearest, most obvious statement in the world?
“You’re not happy there and you’ll never have time to devote to what you want to do while you’re there.” Oh. Ok. That seems logical but it is also insane. The more we talked about it, the more I considered it, the more sense it made. I will never not give 100% in my career, lately that 100% has not been what I would prefer. I spread myself too thin and the thing taking a majority of my waking weekday hours has not been serving me the way I needed it to.
When I wake up in the morning and think about the things I’m excited to do and the things I have to do my energy clearly leans in one direction. For a long time that has not been my 9-5 job. Faced with this stark reality I had a choice: 1) Stay in the job until I built to a place I could comfortably dedicate myself to my passion projects, or 2) Quit my job and spend my time building my teaching and Mind + Matter.
I chose option two.
It is terrifying. I am terrified.
But after looking at the calendars, where I’ve been physically, where I’ve been emotionally, and knowing where my passions lie, now is the right time. The universe seemed to be pointing to it in as clear of a sign as the universe gives. Which is probably not a sign at all but just stuff open to interpretation. IDK, that’s a different post.
But today I have my notice. I’m leaving for Denver this evening and the following two weeks will be my last in my current job.
What am I going to do? Great question. Short answer is whatever I want. I’m going to spend time working on my health, writing, cleaning my house, purging my life of stuff I don’t need, cooking, improving my teaching, and most importantly, building Mind + Matter. I know that is where my heart and head are most fulfilled. Our business has been working but it will never truly flourish until it gets the time, effort, and energy it deserves. So, I’ll sacrifice to grow it. Do I know what this means for the future? Nope. But I do know I’m now more in control of it than ever.
After sharing where I was with my mental health, having a conversation I didn’t want to have but needed to have, and now this...I just feel free. There’s nothing left I’m hiding or hiding from, everything is out in the open and I feel at peace. The calm after the storm.