A couple of years ago I noticed a little line over my left eye. It is partially caused by aging, mostly caused by the constant scrunching of my forehead from worrying. It was the first thing that made me feel old, that made me feel like I look my age. I’ve always been blessed to be able to pass for younger than I am due to my size and my chubby little face but lines, wrinkles, there’s no talking my way out of that.
The line started to change the way I look at my face, the way I cut my hair to cover it, constantly trying to talk myself out of worrying to stop the line from solidifying. The more the line consumed me the more aware I became of the other lines I navigate. Balance is one of my biggest struggles, staying on the right side of every line. Balancing between staying safe and pushing myself. How do I manage to stay on each little tightrope I build?
Tightropes, laser minefields, the weird hacky sack scene in She's All That...there are a million parallels I could draw to illustrate how I feel, and probably how you feel…
I need to spend less money, but I don’t want to give up my lifestyle.
I want to cook wholesome meals, but planning and cleaning up after each is daunting.
I want to start running again, but the road back is long and bumpy.
I want to start riding my bike places, I’m scared I’ll fall.
I have to be better about communicating what I need, I can’t come across as needy.
I want to strengthen relationships in my life, but shouldn’t be clingy.
I want to teach as much as possible, I don’t want to sacrifice my own practice.
I want to be honest, I don’t always want the answers I get when I am.
I need to be up and going and moving, I need to rest.
I promise to go to another teacher’s class, but I can’t miss a meeting or deadline.
I want to share my story, I don’t want to be judged or pitied for it.
I want to be healthy in every meaning of the word, I’m concerned that if/when I am it changes who I am fundamentally.
I want to put myself out in the world, I can’t handle the potential of rejection.
I want to keep all of these things running. In my mind they run in parallel; in reality they intersect. Not only do I have to find the balance in each of these I have to find the balance between them all. Leaning too much on one causes the other to falter.
There are the lines we balance and then there are the firm ones. The things we say or do that draw a line in the sand, the ones there is no going back from, the ones you can’t fall off and just get right back on to try again. I’ve crossed a lot of those lately, I’ve been on the receiving end as well.
All of it makes that line, the tangible one in my forehead, deeper, more entrenched.
There are the lines we choose to create, the lines that form as by products of other choices, and there are the ones that just show up. I’m figuring out how to navigate all of this, some lines are made to be crossed, some are going to get deeper, some I can get a good hydrating serum and buff out. But the lines, the balance, the flaws...they’re always going to exist.