The first time I watched TATBILB it was a Friday night and I was home alone. I had been dating someone at the time and we were getting to the point where things were going to either progress or fizzle out. I wasn’t sure which way they were leaning but I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t going to like it. That Sunday he came over, we hung out, he left to go to the grocery store and would text me later. Except he didn’t. NBD, life gets busy. I shot him a text Monday night after my class. Nothing. Ok….that seems odd but he had an early flight the next day, it’s probably fine. But then there was nothing on Tuesday. On Wednesday. Thursday I gave in, I reach out again. No response. Ghosted.
With so many posts about the impact Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade had on people’s lives, with discussion about how to best support each other I wanted to share my method with you. It’s just something I decided to do one day and it felt good, so I kept going. I want to foster connection. I want people to know that their efforts are noticed and matter. As Brene Brown says, "connection begets connection."
We had joked about actually drinking it before but this time he was serious. And I had no idea what to do. Usually cracking open a bottle of wine on a Friday night isn’t even a question, especially when my guest brings a replacement bottle or two. This time I was freaking out and I didn’t know why.
At Blade & Timber you can throw axes, like a really lumberjacky version of bowling. Which is kind of awesome and kind of terrifying. When we arrived I had a smidge of a Bloody Mary buzz thanks to brunch with my mom. We found our lane and our axe coach started off teaching me how to throw an axe. We worked on my grip, how hard to throw, how to aim. I was pretty good at most things but my axe just wasn’t sticking in the target. My coach looked at me and said…
“You have commitment issues, don’t you? Commit. Throw it.”
One of the coolest things about being an adult is that you can pay people to do a lot of stuff. If you’re willing to pay the money you can have someone clean your house, cook or deliver every meal, do your laundry, even wash/dry/style your hair. What you can’t pay someone to do is navigate life for you*. Believe me, if it was a job that existed, I would GLADLY pay for it.
There’s something about a fresh start, a new page, that fills me with hope and optimism. Each year I think this will be the one I get myself together. This year I’ll check off some of the big things that have been looming in my life. Every December 31st I look at the list and feel like I come up short. It’s disheartening and, often, it leads me to discredit the things I do accomplish or create during the year.
I canceled Christmas this year. Not for you, you can totally have Christmas, there isn’t Christmas at my house. I have a little Charlie Brown tree with a blue blanket as a skirt and a single red ornament thanks to my mom but other than that there is nary a sign of the holiday to be found in my home. This is incredibly unusual for me, I’m generally a tiny elf spreading Christmas cheer like it’s my job. This year, I’m not feeling it. At all.
He shows up with wine and flowers, we missed Valentine’s Day and he wanted to do something. It’s sweet, it eases my concerns. We hangout for a bit and then he says it.
“I wish your intuition wasn’t so good.”
And just like that everything gets fuzzy.
I think I went on 14 first dates in September, FOURTEEN FIRST DATES. That is a h*ck ton of energy. Some of them were great and lead to second dates, some of them were good but didn’t really go anywhere, I was ghosted twice* (one I was meh about, one I was moderately mopey about), one I’m not 100% sure what is happening to this day, and only two were straight up bad.